


How to Catch a Leprechaun

by Bulmaveg_Otaku, emma98, meleedamage, phoenix_173, SerialObsessor (ibelieveinturtles)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Multi, a very special porntastic voyuerism episode, also don't let the 18 year old in charge of the tags, did I mention the crack?, don't put a bunch of different authors in a google doc magical things will happen, that leprechaun is a bad little dude, the shieldshock isn't too heavy handed if that's not your bag, tiny Steve not skinny Steve, unfiltered and unsupervised crack, very special Shakespearean episode, very special musical episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-09 10:54:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10410567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bulmaveg_Otaku/pseuds/Bulmaveg_Otaku, https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma98/pseuds/emma98, https://archiveofourown.org/users/meleedamage/pseuds/meleedamage, https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenix_173/pseuds/phoenix_173, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibelieveinturtles/pseuds/SerialObsessor
Summary: Leprechaun insanity unfolds, as told by a few truly inspired Darcyland writers.Darcy is trying to catch herself a Leprechaun, or is the Leprechaun trying to catch her?  Either way, she’s falling down a rabbit hole of bizarre dreams (and nightmares).





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Emma here! So, a few weeks ago, I posted something on tumblr about having some Saint Patrick's Day toomfoolery, and I thought how fun it would be to have a bunch of authors in a google doc just going nuts. This worked out pretty well, except that thanks to timezones, we were all very rarely in the doc at the same time. 
> 
> Every scene is written by a different author. We have five chapters total, and let me tell you friends, some of the later chapters are...INSPIRED (Porn, but still inspired porn).
> 
> beta'd by CatrinaSL and anais_ninja  
> This was so much fun, and I hope that you enjoy!

**How To Catch a Leprechaun**

* * *

Darcy Lewis was fed up.  

Her dream job was rapidly turning into a _Nightmare on Elm Street_ scenario.  Sure, Pepper Potts deposited six figures into her previously malnourished bank account every year, but with the way everything was going, Darcy was considering asking for a hefty raise.  Maybe even an extra zero.  

“Uhm...Darce?”

Darcy continued to maniacally set up her project, muttering the whole time.  Steve looked at her curiously, a little wary of the woman who was rapidly transforming the common room into something that resembled a cartoon.  She had commandeered a refractory machine from the cloaking project that Fury had commissioned to hide his helicarrier in the sky.  Instead of using it for cloaking purposes, she had used it to make dozens of rainbows all over the common room.  

One corner had a large cauldron full of gelt, and what Steve hoped wasn’t actually gold coins.  

And then of course there was the glitter.  It was everywhere.   _Everywhere_.

“What are you—what exactly are you trying to do?” Steve wondered.

“I am _trying_ to prove a point,” Darcy muttered as she began ripping open bags of Lucky Charms.  “I’m gonna catch me a leprechaun, Rogers.  And then those idiot scientists are going to STOP trying to prove to Reed Richards that they can make time travel possible before he can.”

“I don’t understand how that works,” Steve scratched at his head, not wanting to further distress the very upset young woman who was throwing Lucky Charms cereal in the air like it was confetti.

Darcy looked tired. She looked a few levels beyond tired, if Steve was being honest.  She was definitely bordering on the edge of hysteria.  Once the Lucky Charms were appropriately scattered everywhere (including Steve’s hair), Darcy grabbed a bottle of champagne and took a large swig.

“Want some?” she offered him the bottle.

“Uhm, sure,” Steve nodded, taking the bottle and drinking from it.  His brow furrowed immediately and he looked down at the bottle, seeing that the label was wrinkled at the corner.  He pulled at it and realized it was fake… and what was underneath was kind of concerning.  “Darcy, who gave this to you?”

“Stark.  He thinks he can butter me up so I’ll approve his requisition for uranium.  I’m not bringing uranium to his base, I’m _not,”_ Darcy insisted.  

“Oh boy,” Steve sighed.  “Darcy, this is the bottle of Asgardian spirits that Thor got me.  If I have a glass and a half, I’m usually drunk off my ass.”

Darcy blinked up at Steve in confusion.  And then she saw it.  The leprechaun dancing on Steve’s shoulder.  

“Uh oh,” she whispered before everything went completely black.

 

* * *

Darcy opened her eyes and recognized the sound of birds tweeting joyously.  That was unusual.  Birds didn’t really tweet so close to the Avengers base.  Something about Maria Hill installing the invisible anti-bird fences that deterred the winged creatures using sonic frequencies.  She had said that Clint and Sam were enough birds for one base.  

She sat up and realized that she was in a bed, a very frilly, four poster bed, complete with lace curtains obstructing her view from the outside.  Her usual pajamas that consisted of underwear and the largest t-shirt she could find (one she had stolen from Barnes, unlike Steve, he actually wore t-shirts that fit his muscles, sadly, it might have been nice to have Bucky stuffed into mediums as well as Steve, but then Darcy would have to sleep in the nude).  Instead, she was wearing a long silk chemise, complete with itchy lace edges.  

“This is a problematic nightgown,” Darcy muttered, crawling along the king sized bed to get to one of the curtains.  She wrestled with the curtain for about a minute longer than was strictly necessary and cursed a few times under her breath.  “Who _does_ this?  Who is awake enough in the morning to deal with lace curtains?”

When she finally managed to get the curtain to part, she looked down and realized that she was very high up for a person who was barely five feet and three inches tall.   Very carefully she climbed down ass first, taking a breath of relief when her feet finally hit the cold ground.  She looked around for her well worn slippers, the ratty ones that used to be pink pigs and and now resembled a faded, dirty snout nosed alien creature.  Instead, there were a pair of backless kitten heels, pale white with a large poofy pom pom decoration on the front.  

“Are freaking kidding me?” Darcy sighed, popping them on her feet regardless.  

It was then that she noticed that the melodic bird tweets weren’t actually melodic bird tweets, but instead, was an actual gentle melody played by a flute.  It had started gentle, but was rapidly swelling in volume and intensity.

“Friday?  Cut the tunes, dude.  I don’t want to listen to Steve’s boring orchestral stuff so early in the morning,” Darcy sighed.  “I have to get caffeine in me before I can pretend to appreciate the boring stuff.”

The music didn’t stop Instead, the flutes were replaced with a humor laden clarinet solo as Darcy hobbled in her kitten heels to the door of the bedroom.  The moment she opened the door was when the clarinet let out one long, fading note and finally, there was quiet.

“ _Good morning! Good morning, I’ve missed your smiling face_.”

“Hold on, what?” Darcy whispered as Thor sang his greeting, then did a little suave step ball change into her field of vision, looking dapper and gorgeous in a pair of old fashioned men’s pajamas, complete with a velvet red smoking jacket.  

“ _Good morning!  Good morning! It’s time to do science about space!”_ Jane sang as she handed Darcy a cup of tea.  

Jane was dressed very similarly to Darcy, looking like a petite and delicate Ginger Rogers.  She had a satin housecoat on over her nightie though, fur trimmed and completely useless in warding off the cold that Jane was constantly complaining about in the lab that Bruce and Tony kept at a cool sixty degrees.   

The music swelled even louder and the tempo changed, going into a kicky little uptempo dance number.  Darcy couldn’t believe her eyes, but Thor held out his hand, grabbing Jane’s delicately before twirling her so that she spun her body into his.  

And then they started dancing.  Really, really well.  

“Uhhhhhhhhmmmm,” Darcy only stood there watching in astonishment as Thor and Jane did a perfect quickstep around the spacious living room of Thor’s quarters.  She looked down at the tea Jane had handed her and then back to the pair currently practicing for _Dancing With the Stars_.  “Did Science do this?  Are we—1937 Musical Style pollened?  Is that a thing?”

Thor and Jane didn’t answer her, they continued to do their incredibly impressive dancing.  Seriously, if Darcy had a score card, she would hold up a 10.  Instead, she put the suspicious tea down and very carefully made her way to the front door, before the dancing duo could try to make it a dancing trio.  

She escaped successfully and ran clumsily down the hall of the residential floor, heading straight for an elevator and diving in before the doors could close.  She looked down at the flimsy nightgown she had on and wondered just how her boobs hadn’t knocked her out during her impromptu sprint.  

“Man, I gotta get me one of these old timey cone-boob bras,” she muttered before looking up and realizing that she wasn’t alone.  “Oh, Sam.  Hey dude.  Is it just me, or is everything crazy for you, too?”

The elevator sound system had been disabled months ago after a very hard fought prank war between Darcy and Clint.  Apparently a half deaf person thought it perfectly hilarious to blare Wham!’s _Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go_ in the elevator at inhumane levels twenty four hours a day.  And he especially found it awesome to lock Darcy in said elevator with Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes and Thor.  The three men hadn’t been familiar with the song at first and had declared it a good tune.  The first three times.  After three hours of the song, Bucky was ready to fall off the former murderer wagon again, Steve was in tears and Thor had summoned Mjolnir to escape and had actually trashed the entire elevator system.

So it wasn’t the elevator sound system that was currently playing a bad, muzak version of Lionel Ritchie’s _Hello_.  That was likely all part of this weird place Darcy had woken up in.

“ _I've been alone with you from time to time, and in my dreams I've punched your face, a thousand times_ ,” Sam sang soulfully, looking earnest and sincere.  The elevator came to a quick stop and the doors slipped open, revealing Bucky Barnes on the other side.  Sam stared directly at Bucky and sang right in his face, “ _I sometimes see you pass outside my door  Hello, can I kick you in the shins some more?_ ”

Bucky sighed and took  deep breath, ready to sing something back at Sam no doubt.  Darcy shook her head and pushed Bucky away from the elevator door, making a run for it.

“This is crazy town, ” Darcy huffed out as she ran past a room where Tony was delivering an epic raging rock song as he danced on top of a lab bench.  “Nope, I want no part of that.”

She had to get out of there.  This was not how life happened.  It was not a musical.  Steve Rogers was waiting for her at the end of the hall, looking earnest and lovely and adoring.  He held out one of his arms towards her, Prince Charming-style and opened his mouth to sing something.  

“NO!” Darcy yelled and put her Natasha Romanoff-approved defense training to good use, reaching up and putting a fist in Steve’s throat.  

As Steve bent over in half, choking and gasping as he continued to try to sing some kind of cheesy love ballad at her, Darcy caught a flash of green out of the corner of her eye.  She suddenly remembered the leprechaun and realized that the only way out of this, and back to her own normal plane of existence was to catch that little green goblin of mischief and fuckery.

“Get back here, you little bastard!”

* * *

 

 

In the space of a blink, Darcy felt her entire center of gravity re-aligning and when she opened her eyes again, she was back in the common room, all evidence of the musical gone.  Steve was staring down at her in apparent concern as Darcy swayed on her feet.

“Darce?  You okay?” Steve worried, bringing up his hands to reach out for her.

“Come here, you little sonuvabitch!” Darcy growled as she lunged at Steve. He managed to catch her in his arms before she ended up face first on the floor, but she squirmed out of his hold and took off down the hallway, bellowing about rainbows and scientists.

Steve shook his head, dislodging the last of the Lucky Charms that had been stuck in his hair. Determined not to let the weird that had infected the base affect him, he headed into the kitchen for his mid-morning-pre-elevenses snack. But as he reached out to open the refrigerator, he noticed his hand. His tiny, childlike hand.

As he looked down at himself he was shocked see that all of him seemed to have shrunk. A quick glance around showed he was about half his size. Still proportionate to his previous size, just smaller.

“What the actual fuck?”

At that moment Darcy returned with Bucky, Sam and Bruce in tow. They both stopped short (ha, short) at the sight of a pint-sized Steve Rogers.

“You weren’t kidding about weird shit happening, doll. Hey Bruce! Do you think his strength is proportional to his height?”

Bruce looked from Bucky to Steve to Darcy and back to Steve before removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. “There is not enough tea in the world to deal with this ridiculousness. I’m gonna go meditate.” And with that he turned on his heel and left for the quiet sanctuary of the conservatory.

Steve opened his mouth and in his patented ‘Captain America is disappointed in you’ voice, “Gee thanks, Buck. Good to know you care. _Jerk_.”

Bucky, Sam and Darcy did a blinking double take at the deep voice coming out of teeny-tiny Steve Rogers. They turned to look at each other before bursting out into gut-clutching laughter.

Darcy turned to Steve and said, “Oh, come here! I just wanna cuddle the shit out of you! You’re even _more_ adorable like this!” She reached towards him with grabby-hands and he was so surprised by the ‘adorable’ comment that he was a moment too late to escape her clutches. And then he realized where his face ended up at this height. He was in danger of being suffocated by the most exquisite set of breasts he’d ever seen.

The sight of Steve blissfully buried in Darcy’s chest caused Bucky to shake his head and smirk at his best friend. What a way to go.

“Darcy, honey, you’re gonna need to let our Steven out of the warmth of your embrace before he asphyxiates. Needless to say, I definitely believe you about the leprechaun causing mischief.”

“Oh! Sorry Steve,” she said as she released the vertically challenged superhero.

“You know...you said it was a leprechaun, didn’t you Lewis?” Sam wondered.  

“It was a leprechaun and don’t give me that _you need therapy, I know a guy_  look.  You know _one_ guy, and I’m not talking to your boy Shawn that you went to high school with about my feelings,” Darcy snapped at him.  “There is a little leprechaun-y bastard running around here fucking my day up!”

“Well, I mean, look at Steve,” Sam said thoughtfully.

“Don’t you dare suggest it,” Steve warned.

“He’s small.  He’s Irish.  He’s ornery as fuck,” Sam smirked.

“I hate to agree with Wilson about—well, about anything,” Bucky nodded.  “But little Stevie O’Rogers here certainly fits the leprechaun bill.”

“You sons of bitches!  I’m not a leprechaun, I’m just—smaller than normal!” Steve shouted, pointing his miniature finger at his best friends.  “Don’t embarrass me in front of Darcy!”

“Pal, you’re three feet tall,” Bucky laughed.  “We don’t have to do the embarrassing.”

“That’s it!” Steve growled.

“This would be a lot more fun if his voice was high pitched,” Sam muttered in an aside to Bucky, who snorted with laughter.

“Aaaugugggggh!” Steve shouted before he attacked.

Darcy wisely stepped back and watched as Steve Rogers, the three foot tall version of him anyway, attacked his best friends, tackling Sam _into_ Bucky, and bringing the both of them down to the ground.  It said something about either Steve’s tenacity when incredibly upset, or Sam and Bucky’s combined ineptitude that a miniature Steve was dominating the both of them.  He was a blur of tiny fists, kicking feet and a handful of really vicious head butts to the groin areas and Sam and Bucky could do little else but continue to laugh and occasionally gasp out in sudden pain.

“SERIOUSLY?” Darcy demanded angrily.  “There are bigger problems here than Steve practicing for little people wrestling!”

The men didn’t seem to care, and Darcy felt she didn’t have the time to waste watching anymore.  So she simply snapped a few pictures very quickly before shoving her phone back into her bra and stomping from the room, intent on finding that damned leprechaun.

“You _assholes_ ,” Steve growled as she went for the door.  “I told you not to embarrass me in front of Darcy—you know how I feel about her!”

“Wait, what in the who and the how?” Darcy demanded from the door.

“Nothing, what? Nothing,” tiny Steve blurted quickly, realizing that Darcy actually hadn’t left the room yet.  

Bucky took that moment to playfully slap at Steve’s tiny face.  And Steve renewed his attacks on his best friends, rolling the three of them into more furniture.  Darcy rolled her eyes and was about to start in on boys being absolute morons when she saw that flash of emerald green out of the corner of her eye.

“HEY!  Make Steve normal again!” she shouted, running out of the room and down the hallway. “Get back here you orange-bearded little shit!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! I hope you enjoy what will be coming!!! heh. (meleedamage/bulmaveg_otaku/phoenix_173 are coauthors. so, I just had a hearty chuckle and smirk about the coming of it all).
> 
> two authors were primarily responsible for this chapter. Can you guess which two?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we'll go with Chapter Two now, I think. Just a short little crazy chapter with two fun scenes.
> 
> FYI, the people mainly responsible for the scenes in Chapter One were me (the musical part) and phoenix_173 (the adorably angry, tiny but not skinny Stevie O'Rogers).
> 
> Enjoy!!!

**Chapter Two**

* * *

 

As she chased after the disappearing flash of green, Darcy didn't realise that the scenery had changed until she suddenly found herself teetering on the edge of a cliff. 

 

“What the fuck?” she gasped out as a hand grabbed at her elbow just as she was about to fall off the edge. 

 

“Careful there,” a voice said from behind her. “That's a long way down.”

 

She looked behind her to see Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson standing behind her. It was Bucky who had hold of her arm, which she now noticed was covered in one of the gauziest, flimsiest fabrics she'd ever seen. A second glance showed that she was wearing about fifty metres of floaty gauze in the form of of a long dress with long sleeves and one of those pointy hats with a long hat train. The dress had a train too, as did the sleeves, and… she twisted, trying to see the back of the dress. Was that a cape draping from her shoulders??

 

“What the fuck?” As she turned she almost tripped over the cape’s train, and it was only a swift reaction from the two men that prevented her from tail diving off the cliff. 

 

“Are you okay there, Darce?” Sam asked.

 

“Um, yeah I'm fine. Thanks for the save, dude. Um, where am I?”

 

Sam and Bucky exchanged a worried glance.

 

“You just ran away from the wedding,” Bucky said, “yelling something about how there's no way anyone can make you go through this and that you'll get your sweet, sweet revenge if it's the last thing you do.”

 

“WHAT? My wedding??? Wearing  _ this _ ?” Darcy was about ready to completely lose it when she realised they were both chuckling. 

 

“No, not your wedding, which is why everyone was so confused. You're one of the guests,” Sam assured her. 

 

“Oh thank Thor for that,” Darcy sighed.“For a minute there I was worried. Hang on—sweet sweet revenge for what?”

 

The two men looked at each other and shrugged.

 

“No idea, Doll.”

 

“Well damn,” Darcy said, taking another look around, realising she was still at the very edge of the cliff and taking a couple of certain careful steps backward. She almost tripped… again. This time it was Sam who caught hold of her, saving her from falling face first into a flowery bush.

 

“So are you ready to go back?” he asked her as she tried to untangle herself from the copious metres and metres of chiffony floatiness… was that even a word?

 

“Um, yeah I suppose so. Um… which way?” she asked as she realised that there was cliff on one side of her and thick forest on the other. 

 

“How did I ever get up here?” she wondered out loud.

 

“We flew!” Sam declared with a huge smile.

 

Darcy blinked as her.mouth dropped open... “Flew?” she echoed. 

 

“That's right, Doll, just spread your wings and you can glide right back down,” Bucky said as a pair of glossy black angel wings spread out from his back.

 

“Holy hell,” Darcy murmured as she reached out with one hand, stopping just short of touching them. “Where'd you get those from? They're gorgeous!”

 

Bucky beamed. There was a rustling noise behind her and as she turned, Sam spread his own wings, which were an incredible mix of autumn reds and oranges.

 

“Ohmigod....” Darcy breathed.

 

“Your turn,” Bucky said as he and Sam grasped her elbows and escorted her back to the edge of the cliff.

 

“What? NO! I don't have wings!” Darcy tried to pull away, but they had solid grips on her arms and she couldn't break free.

 

“You ready?” Sam asked.

 

“No! I can't fly!” She shrieked, struggling to free herself. “Let me go!”

 

“Don't be silly, Darce, of course you can fly,” Sam assured her.

 

“Just spread those gorgeous wings of yours, and jump, Doll.” Bucky agreed. 

 

“But I don't have—” Darcy stopped in stunned silence as the gauzy substance she'd thought was her dress rose up of its own accord and became a set of shimmery, sparkly fairy-style wings.

 

“Ohhhh…” she couldn't help giving them a flutter as she spun around trying to get a better look at them. “These are amazing!”

 

“Come on then, let's go,” Sam said as he stepped off the cliff.

 

She stepped off after him, Bucky beside her, all three of them gliding smoothly down towards the ground.

 

As she looked over at Bucky, there was a shimmer of green at the edge of her vision, and she spun to look at it. Dancing in the air several metres away from the edge of the cliff was the leprechaun. 

 

“Why, you little shit!” she screeched, and launched herself after him, not noticing that the ground was getting closer and closer and closer...

 

* * *

 

 

When she opened her eyes again, it was to the sound of raucous applause.  She looked around and saw that she was standing in front of a live studio audience, and they were apparently very happy with her at the moment.

 

She looked down and saw that she was dressed in a very risque, old fashioned burlesque outfit.  Her breasts were crammed right up underneath her chin.  

 

“Darcy, did you hear me?” Steve wondered.

 

“What in the huh now?” Darcy blinked up at Steve, who was dressed in an almost cartoonish version of his Captain America outfit.  It was brighter than a cartoon, actually, and it seemed to be fitted more for the visual than the functional.  She felt her eyes going wide at the way the tights clung to every muscle in his very well-muscled thighs.  

 

The audience laughed at her very understandable reaction.  

 

She glared at them and they laughed some more.

 

“Sweetheart,” Steve waved a hand in front of her face.

 

“Whoheart?” Darcy muttered, looking up at him and the audience’s laughter didn’t feel so bad this time, because he was looking at her like she hung the moon.  

 

“Would you like to go grab a coffee with me?” Steve wondered.

 

The audience let out a loud “ _ Ohhhhhhhh _ ’ sound and Darcy turned away from Steve to glare at them once more.

 

“What in the Saved By the Bell tomfoolery is going on here?” Darcy whispered.

 

“I’m sorry if I misread—I...well I’ve been thinking about this for some, well for some time now,” Steve stammered adorably.  

 

The audience ‘ _ awwwwww’d _ ’ appropriately.  

 

“No,” Darcy shook her head.

 

Steve looked crestfallen and the audience gasped in shock.  Darcy’s eyes bugged out of her head cartoonishly and she waved her hands in front of her quickly.

 

“NO, I didn’t mean no to coffee.  Yes to coffee, I love coffee and I really like you,” Darcy said quickly.

 

“You do—”

 

Steve’s hopeful line was cut off and he seemed put off by it, obviously not used to being cut of in this setting, but Darcy reached up and slapped her hand over his mouth.

 

“This isn’t real.  This is a fucked up dream of some kind brought about by a rogue leprechaun.  So, if this is just the leprechaun messing with me?  I will murder his tiny green bedecked ass.  But if this is based in even a tiny bit of reality, when I finally wake up and get this done and over with, I’m totally taking you out for the best coffee in town, understand?”

 

Steve managed to nod under her incredibly strong grip and Darcy managed to smile in relief.  

 

The audience was booing though, and Darcy didn’t understand why.  If this was the kind of sitcom she thought it was, then this kind of situation should have been having them on the edge of their seats.  Darcy looked up and saw a flash of green hanging from one of the bright, insufferably hot, studio lights and she opened her mouth to swear, only to hear the censor’s bleeping sound before the light came flying down towards her head.

  
“Bleeeeeeeeeep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will DEFINITELY want to tune into the next chapter. Because it's...it's just. It's the reason we're going explicit here people. WHEW. holy cow.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW! NSFW! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! CRACKY-SMUTNESS IS IMMINENT! ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! 
> 
> (and I definitely recommend entering...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey True Believers! 
> 
> As Emma is off having a fantabulous holiday with her fam-unit, I have nominated myself to give you all what you so deeply desire.
> 
> Happy Spring Break!
> 
> ~Nix
> 
> p.s. I have no idea why it is specifically listing me as the author. I would love to take credit, but alas, this yummy smutty goodness is not mine. I dare you to figure out who did it! ;p

**Chapter Three**

* * *

* * *

 

Darcy felt the soft press of warm lips against hers in the darkness as strong hands drifted over her skin, seeking out her curves insatiably. This was more like it. The bullshit with that ridiculous leprechaun was over and she was back to her regular scheduled programming... 

Mr. Mysterious Beefcake kissed her harder as a gentle rushing filled her ears and the cool smooth kiss of metal caressed her bare skin. Her fingertips traced over the ridges of the perfectly sculpted body on top of hers and her lips turned up into wicked grin at the discovery that he was just as naked as he was beefy. She heard the soft tinkle of metal against metal as the lips pressed to hers curled up to match.    
  
Wait a second, where was she?! Who was she kissing?! What was that noise?! And where were her clothes?!   
  
A single match struck the rough stone, filling the cavern in a warm glow as the leprechaun brought the flickering flame to the pipe clenched tightly between his teeth. He drew in short breaths until the bowl filled with an amber glow and a veil of fragrant smoke surrounded him. Before the match went out, he deftly lit a tiny lantern hanging from a low spot on the wall and the thick blanket of gold coins on the ground shimmered like a desert mirage.   
  
"Much, much better," Steve sighed, gazing down at her with a dreamy smile that made her insides melty. The leprechaun unscrewed the knot at the end of his shillelagh and took a swig from the flask concealed inside as Darcy surreptitiously watched over the edge of Steve's broad shoulder. Her eyes returned to his as he tenderly brushed her hair back from her face and she battled the overwhelming urge to go right back to kissing him, even though it was doubtlessly all part of the leprechaun's nefarious plan. Exactly what the fuck was he up to anyhow?!   
  
The coins beneath her smoothly shifted as Steve's lips sought hers and the leprechaun's wild laughter echoed against the walls. She reached up, pulling Steve closer and rolled her hips against him out of spite, suddenly unwilling to let the snickering spectator rain all over her smoking hot, sexy parade. Steve hummed a rich approval, swirling his tongue over hers and her hips bucked up towards him as the steady dull throbbing deep inside of her pulsed intensely. His hand reached between her legs and his fingers gently slipped between her silky folds, spreading the wetness they found there. She gasped soft curses against his lips as the leprechaun puffed away on his pipe and loosened the buckle at the front of his pants.   
  
"So wet already," Steve breathed, rubbing her clit in tight circles. Darcy writhed against the coins and called out for more, watching over Steve's shoulder as the leprechaun's trousers dropped to his ankles and he began to slowly stroke himself off. Every inch of her thrummed with unexpected arousal as the strange wee man looked on and she discovered to her surprise how much she liked the way he was looking at her while he touched himself and how much she wanted him to keep watching as he got himself off.   
  
Steve's arms wrapped around her as he suddenly rolled them over, amid a whirl of glittering gold and she landed on top of him with a gasp. She bit into her lip, hardly able to breathe as he raised his hand and slid his slick fingers into his mouth. His lashes fluttered shut and he hummed sublimely, delighting in the taste of her as he slowly sucked them clean. He withdrew them from between his lips with a wet pop that was so perfectly filthy that she thought she might lose her goddamned mind. Darcy wasted no time pressing her lips to his and his eyes flew open as she sucked his tongue, drawing out a soft noise of surprise.    
  
"You taste so goddamned good," Steve purred, between kisses. "How 'bout we put on a little show for your friend over there?"   
  
"Ooh. Kinky," Darcy teased with a wicked grin. "What've you got in mind?"   
  
Steve's large hands wrapped around her hips, lifting her into the air and turning her effortlessly. She discovered the leprechaun standing entranced, puffing away on his pipe furiously as he took in every inch of her exposed curves. Steve set her down with her knees above his shoulders and they slid against the coins as she struggled to gain a foothold. 

She toppled forwards unsteadily, bracing herself with her palms against his thighs, suddenly getting a crash course in super soldier arousal as she wound up inches from the glistening tip of the spear. Her tongue darted out, wetting her lips as she took in every rigid inch and slowly glanced up towards the leprechaun, meeting his verdant gaze.   
  
"Begorrah, what a ride!" he marvelled as a thick cloud of smoke encircled his head. "I've had a glad eye for you since we met. Do you mind me gawking?" She gently nodded her head from side-to-side and wrapped her hand around the base of Steve's cock.    
  
"Bang on! It's nothing to get scundered about," the leprechaun continued. "A wee bit o' Aer Lingus is always deadly craic."   
  
"I don't know what the fuck you're babbling about," she said with a grin, "but I'm still gonna catch your enchanted ass."   
  
"Lookin' foward to it," he quipped, puffing on his pipe with a wry smile.   
  
Steve's hands suddenly tightened around her hips and he pulled her down against his face with an impatient growl. She sputtered out a colourful burst of profanity as her knees sank into the golden carpet of coins, sending them scattering and Steve's tongue traced over her slick skin in a long, firm lick. Before she could recover, he did it again and then once more for good measure. She collapsed into a boneless heap against him, moaning incomprehensibly as he added some suction and the tip of his tongue glided over her as smoothly as cursive.   
  
"Now, that's what I call kissin' the Blarney Stone," the leprechaun observed with a wink.    
  
Darcy took in a breath, opening her mouth to respond as Steve's hand settled at the back of her head. Even though he was gentle, it was hardly gentlemanly. Something about the virtuous hero behaving badly seemed to flip every last one of her switches. She wet her lips, pushing back against his hand as she ran her tongue up and down his rigid length and swirled it over the tip. He gasped distorted curses against her slick skin as she slid him between her plush lips. She continued to fight back against the weight of his hand, grinding herself against his face shamelessly as she hollowed out her cheeks and slowly worked him in and out of her mouth.    
  
Her eyes met the leprechaun's as she drew back, giving Steve several solid pumps of her fist as her tongue flickered over his sensitive skin, making him see stars. She wet her lips and let go, relaxing completely beneath the press of Steve's hand and choked down every throbbing inch he had to offer. He let out a muffled groan as she backed up slightly, taking in a breath before diving in for more.    
  
She thrilled at the feeling of the leprechaun's eyes on her skin and the slight trembling in Steve's leg up against her palm. Her breathing stuttered as he sucked harder and the sensation of his mouth devouring her nearly threatened to overwhelm her completely. She let Steve take over, humming obscenely as he guided her movements, rocking her against his face with his hand at her hip and fucking her face with his fist in her hair.    
  
Her nails bit into Steve's skin as she squeezed his thigh, desperate for him to keep going as every part of her throbbed, demanding release. Each thrust into her mouth grew rougher and she couldn't seem to get enough as the cavern filled with the coarse wet sound of Steve's cock plundering her mouth and her distorted pleas for more.   
  
She glanced up towards the leprechaun, flushing with arousal as she watched him continue to stroke himself off. Each pull wound her up tighter as the faint taste of Steve's excitement hit the back of her tongue and the rushing of her pulse filled her ears. The leprechaun caught her looking and his lips curled into a sinister smile as she wondered which of them was going to come first in the filthy race to the finish.   
  
"Awful close now, aren't you?" he asked quietly. "I wonder... Should I let you come?"   
  
Darcy's brows furrowed in confusion as Steve's fingers twisted in her hair and the burning in her scalp left her breathless.    
  
"I was hoping you'd ask nicely," the leprechaun continued, "but I'll settle for begging."   
  
She struggled to focus on his words as her pulse raced and the firm press of Steve's tongue drove her all the way to the edge but she was so close to completion that she couldn't seem to think straight. His emerald eyes glittered with mischief as she dangled over the edge, suddenly tumbling face-first into the treasure blanketing the ground as Steve disappeared in a puff of green smoke.   
  
The leprechaun's laughter echoed cruelly as she floundered in the pile of coins, grumbling curses under her breath. Her hand instinctively moved to the urgent throbbing between her legs as she ached for release and the bowl of the leprechaun's pipe glowed warmly as he stood looking on.   
  
"Not so fast," he said, blowing out four perfect rings of smoke that slowly drifted through the air towards her. "In case you'd forgotten, I'm calling the shots around here." The rings tightened around her wrists and her ankles, spreading her apart as she struggled uselessly. "As much as I'd like to watch you get off, you'll still have to ask me for the privilege." Her blood ran cold with panic as the magical restraints lifted her into the air, leaving her entirely at his mercy.   
  
"Let me go," she spat as she continued to struggle.   
  
"Is that really what you want?" he asked with a flick of his brow. "Seemed to me like you were having a grand time with that soldier I conjured for you." Steve suddenly reappeared to her left and a second Steve appeared to her right. "All you have to do is ask and I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."    
  
Darcy's eyes darted back and forth between the soldiers as they advanced from either side, gazing at her hungrily. Strong arms wrapped around her waist as a third appeared behind her and she shivered as he nuzzled the soft spot behind her ear.   
  
"What's the hold up?" he whispered enticingly as the soldiers at either side of her peppered her skin in a flurry of kisses. "Ask him already. We're just dying to make you feel good, sweetheart."    
  
"Please," Darcy gasped as the Steve behind her palmed her breast and pressed his mouth against the side of her neck. "Please make them fuck me and watch while they get me off."   
  
"Not bad," the leprechaun replied with a smirk, "but I'll bet you can do better than that."   
  
The coins beneath him clattered as the Steve to her right dropped to his knees and Darcy cried out panicked curses as the smoky restraints around her ankles settled her legs over his shoulders. He looked up at her through his thick lashes and pressed his lips against the inside of her thigh, kissing her sensuously as the jingle of the coins behind her, left her wondering what the leprechaun had planned for her next.    
  
The wispy bonds around her wrists tightened, slowly drawing her arms into the air above her head and pinning them just a little too high to be comfortable. Even sitting up as straight as possible wasn't enough to ease the strain. The Steve to her left reached out, cupping her breast and gently drew his thumb across the rosy bud of her nipple. 

She let out an unsteady breath as his tender caress and the steady pull of his sinful mouth against the inside of her thigh transformed the burning in her arms into something sublime. The muscles in Steve's jaw twitched as he rolled her nipple between his fingers so hard that she flinched, wrenching her arms against the smoky restraints. A jolt of pain shot straight through her, electrifying every part of her body.   
  
"So goddamned pretty," he breathed in her ear, loosening his grip and lightly brushing his thumb over the flushed peak of her breast. "So fucking sexy."   
  
He rolled her nipple again, harder this time as the Steve between her legs smoothly plunged his fingers into her tight heat and turned his face towards her, burying it in her slickness. She took in a slow breath, resisting the urge to cry out and a second set of hands grasped the cheeks of her ass, spreading her apart as two tongues eagerly lit into her from opposite sides.    
  
Darcy spouted a litany of nonsensical profanity, writhing sandwiched between the men's faces and her muscles pulsed around Steve's fingers as the men worked her over mercilessly. The Steve standing to her left steadied her, wrapping his hand around the back of her neck as he continued to toy with her breast, alternating between gentle strokes of his thumb and firm pinches between his fingers. Her eyes met the cool blue gaze of the Steve with his face buried between her thighs as he beckoned her to come unglued with lazy curls of his fingers that hit her in all the right places. The tip of his tongue glided over her clit at superhuman speed, winding her up in delicious torment as he looked up at her like she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. His left hand slowly outlined the edge of her thigh as his palm slid smoothly over her skin and her stomach fluttered wildly as each upwards stroke ended with a firm, possessive squeeze.   
  
Whatever the Steve behind her was up to, it felt fucking phenomenal. Her initial reservations melted away as his large hands gently kneaded her cheeks and he pressed delicate kisses against her sensitive skin, outlining the puckered perimeter with the tip of his tongue. He lavished her in slick warmth, softly sucking with each kiss and drew back slightly, pursing his lips and lightly blowing against her glistening skin, making her tremble with delight. The three men surrounding her rumbled a chorus of approval that made her breath catch in her chest and her mind began to race with thoughts of the press of their solid bodies against hers as they filled her to the brim with every throbbing inch they had to offer.    
  
She winced, slick muscles clenching Steve's fingers as a sharp tweak of her nipple refocused her attention,  providing the sudden clarity the way pain does best. Steve peered up at her through his thick lashes, slowing his movements and watching carefully as she took in a fortifying breath. The hand at the back of her neck gave a gentle squeeze and the Steve behind her hummed appreciatively as he patiently worked his tongue into her ass. She slowly opened up to him, moaning shamelessly as the vibration echoed through every part of her body and Steve looked on, sweeping his fingers against an especially receptive spot deep inside of her as he adeptly sucked her clit.    
  
A hot puff of Steve's breath against the shell of her ear wound the tension building inside of her tighter as he whispered to her, asking whether she liked the filthy things they were doing to her.    
  
"Uh huh," she gasped as Steve pointed his tongue, dipping into her ass with staccato thrusts that left her muscles twitching each time he withdrew. The smoky shackles around her wrists raised her arms a fraction of an inch higher and her eyes met the leprechaun's as a ragged groan escaped her lips.   
  
"Oh no!" he teased with a wicked grin. "Had enough already? I guess I should tell them to stop—"   
  
"No, please," she interrupted desperately. "Please. Please don't stop. I'm... so close."   
  
The men surrounding her froze in place and she growled in frustration, struggling against her restraints as the leprechaun laughed in her face.    
  
"What do you want from me?" she demanded hotly. He replied with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows that gave her douche chills.   
  
"Why don't you just whip up a little something like this for yourself?" she asked, nodding towards one of the duplicates with a frown.   
  
"I would, if I could but I can't," he sighed, taking a pull on his pipe.    
  
"Even if I wanted you to?" she asked, wetting her lips seductively. "I mean, if it gets this train back on the rails... I really, really want you to."    
  
The leprechaun choked on his pipe and it vanished into thin air as he coughed and cleared his throat, attempting to regain his composure. She wrestled with the twitching corners of her lips, fighting back a smirk as she delighted in his discomfort and considered the fact that she might actually manage to catch him if a conjured duplicate could keep him distracted long enough. The smoky rings around her wrists and ankles would definitely have to go. The leprechaun reached for his shillelagh and unscrewed the knot at the end, drinking deeply from the flask inside.   
  
"Since I'm doing you a solid here, do you think we can lose the restraints?" she asked casually, trying to conceal any hint of her actual motive. "My arms are killing me, dude."   
  
The smoky rings suddenly disappeared and her arms fell to heavily to her sides as Darcy watched a perfect likeness of herself materialize in front of the leprechaun. Her double waited obediently for him on her hands and knees, dressed in a lacy green bra with matching garters and stockings. Even once the tongues surrounding her started moving again, she couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from the leprechaun as he approached her twin and slowly ran his hands over her green fishnets. He clicked his heels together and the mound of coins beneath his feet began to grow until his hips lined up perfectly with the woman kneeling in front of him.   
  
Things got awfully surreal as Darcy met her duplicate’s gaze and lost herself in her own blue eyes. The hot, hungry mouths pressed against her feasted on her insatiably as the leprechaun seized her double by the hips, seating himself inside of her with a single solid thrust. He looked up at Darcy, licking his lips as they curled into a filthy grin and the woman on all fours cried out, scraping her fingers over the coins littering the floor as he drove himself into her with sharp snaps of his hips.   
  
"Holy shit," Darcy gasped as the Steve to her left pinched her nipple and she flushed with strange and unexpected arousal at the sight of the leprechaun fucking her savagely.   
  
"Oh, you lads need to get a taste of this," the leprechaun groaned. The Steve to her left, directed her face towards her own with the hand at the back of her neck and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her so deeply that she felt it right down in the tips of her curled toes. She looked at him in a daze as he broke away with a dreamy smile and turned towards the leprechaun. Darcy's eyes followed his perfectly-sculpted ass as he approached her duplicate, coming to a stop just to her right and reached down, helping himself to a fistful of her chestnut curls.    
  
She glanced down at the Steve between her legs in confusion as he suddenly withdrew his fingers from her and the man behind her leaned back, playfully biting the right cheek of her ass. Her arms reached out wildly for something to hold onto as the men surrounding her rose to their feet, lifting her into the air along with them. Steve's slick lips found hers as he wrapped her legs around his waist and she got lost in the lingering taste of herself on his tongue as she watched her duplicate gag on the cock being thrust into her mouth.   
  
"Are you ready for us, sweetheart?" the Steve behind her breathed into her ear, revealing the full extent of his arousal as he leaned into her.    
  
She moaned into Steve's mouth, slipping her hand between them and he moaned right back as she grasped him and gave him a solid stroke.    
  
Sharp teeth nipped the edge of her ear as she directed the smooth head of Steve's cock to the place she was craving him most and slick fingers worked their way into her ass, coating it with lubricant.    
  
"Tell us what you want," they demanded in unison, soft lips ghosting over the side of her neck and hovering just shy of hers as Steve sank into her a fraction of an inch. Her legs tightened around his waist as she ached to feel the rest of him inside of her. Two strong right hands grasped her hips, holding her firmly in place as the men surrounding her repeated, "Tell us what you want, Darcy."   
  
She bit back a gasp, flooding with a hot rush of excitement and took in a fortifying breath, working her way back up to speech. Soft moans and the sound of wet flesh colliding drifted through the air from the other side of the cavern and Darcy squirmed uselessly against the hands holding her in place as her muscles pulsed impatiently.   
  
"I want you," she ground out as Steve reached deeper and the hot stretch of his fingers made her head swim. "I want you both inside of me..." Her confession was immediately met with a solid thrust of Steve's hips as he drove himself into her quivering heat, forcing out a breathy cry of his name. He smothered it, covering her lips with his own as the Steve behind her gingerly removed his fingers from her ass, whispering to her, "Both of us at once, huh? Is that all? Tell us the rest, sweetheart."    
  
Her arms tightened behind Steve's neck as she kissed him harder, swelling with sheer delight each time he thrust into her. He filled her so perfectly that she began to panic as the end of a second cock pressed up against her ass and the reality of taking them on at once left her reeling. She caught the leprechaun watching from the corner of her eye, leering lecherously as he got off on the look of alarm on her face. It filled her with a strange mixture of revulsion and arousal that made her stomach lurch as the tension building inside of her wound tighter. She tore her lips from Steve's, grimacing and swallowing thickly as a hot puff of breath hit the soft spot behind her ear. "You want him to keep watching, don't you?"    
  
The leprechaun looked on expectantly as she struggled to respond, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Steve leaned in closer, playfully nudging the side of her neck in an attempt to coax a response out of her as he slowly breathed her in.   
  
"Yeah," she croaked reluctantly. "I do." The leprechaun winked at her and she shuddered as Steve pressed himself against her ass, letting her warmth gradually consume him.    
  
"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" he teased as the steadily building pressure of his cock inside her ass threatened to overwhelm her completely. "Just relax, sweetheart. We're gonna make this so good for you."   
  
Steve's hands squeezed her thighs and he bit into his lower lip, stifling a groan, twitching inside of her as she tightened around him. She gasped soft curses, seeking out his lips as the Steve behind her worked himself into her the rest of the way. Before she had time to adjust to the feeling of both of them inside of her, they began thrusting in and out of her in perfect synchronicity. She clung to Steve, moaning into his mouth as the men greedily claimed every inch of her. All she could do was hang on for dear life as they drove themselves into her, leaving her breathless with each alternating stroke.   
  
After all the false starts, Darcy was ragged at the edges and aching for relief as she quickly felt herself hurtling towards the verge of completion. She writhed between the two rock solid bodies pressed up against her, delighting in a feeling of fullness that exceeded her wildest expectations as Steve whispered in her ear, telling her how good she felt and how much he wanted to feel her come unglued as he buried himself inside of her. The rushing of her pulse filled her ears so loudly that she couldn't seem to think straight, so she gave up trying and focused what effort she could muster into holding on to the moment for as long as she could. The men continued thrusting themselves into her relentlessly, grunting and growling as she felt her grip begin to slip.    
  
"Oh, fuck, please," she gasped desperately against Steve's soft lips. "Please, don't stop. It's so good."   
  
"You're awful close now," Steve breathed in her ear, sliding his hand over the front of her body and palming her breast. "We can feel it... the way you're fighting to hold on and make this last."   
  
Darcy responded with a low moan as she looked at the leprechaun and admitted to herself that she didn't even care if she caught him anymore. All she wanted was more of what the men pressed up against her were dishing out and for him to keep watching her take it. The change in her expression was just enough to push the leprechaun over the edge and he spilled over inside her duplicate, grinding out a litany of curses as Darcy looked on. Her double came right after, moaning blissfully around Steve's cock until he was shuddering too. The muscles in his back and his thighs and his perfectly-sculpted ass strained and his fingers tightened in her duplicate's hair as she swallowed down his hot rush and the leprechaun lost himself in the feeling of her slick warmth fluttering around him.   
  
"You like watching yourself take it like that?" Steve asked softly as her fingers scrabbled against the edge and she fought to hold on. "You oughta see what we're doing to you, sweetheart. I guarantee it's even better."   
  
She blinked and two conjured copies of Steve appeared to her right with a Darcy sandwiched between them, groaning and writhing together nearly the same way she was moving between the men fucking her senseless. Another trio appeared to her left, Steve on his back, her duplicate riding him in reverse and moaning shamelessly as a second Steve sucked her clit and stroked himself off. The throbbing inside Darcy reached a fever pitch as the room gradually filled with duplicates - the coarse wet noise of them thrusting into each other, waves of soft curves colliding with rippling muscle, an erotic symphony of moans and groans and breathy cries for more. She lost sight of the leprechaun as heaving, sweaty, naked bodies continued to appear all around her, unidentified hands and lips reaching out hungrily for every bare inch of her skin, undulating against her as her breathing grew ragged.    
  
"Let go," Steve whispered to her, tugging her earlobe between his teeth as he buried himself in her ass.   
  
"Let go," Steve growled against her lips, his fingers digging into her soft thighs as he thrust into her with sharp snaps of her hips.   
  
The cavern filled with a chorus of softly murmured requests for her surrender and she could feel the leprechaun watching as she took in a sharp breath, climaxing exquisitely along with every other body in the cavern. She flooded with white hot euphoria and powerful rushing pulses of release as the men unloaded inside of her and blissful cries of her name echoed against the walls. The sea of bodies surrounding her shuddered, rocking up against each other as they all got off together and soft lips peppered her skin with kisses making her skin tingle deliciously. 

Steve kissed her deeply, holding her closer and groaned softly with each sharp pulse of her slick muscles around him. The Steve behind her rasped his teeth against her skin as he delighted in the feeling of her wringing him out. Darcy lost herself in a feeling of absolute satisfaction and for just a brief moment she could have sworn that she caught a hold of the smirking leprechaun as everything suddenly faded to black.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody needs a cold shower now, amiright???


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Meleedamage is a hard act to follow... but I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. So, without further ado- let the crack continue!

Darcy’s eyes popped open and she sat up from where her head was resting on her arms. She was sitting at her desk in the lab, and from the sight of a green square covering 60% of her view, she had a post it stuck to her forehead.

 

Had she fallen asleep? 

 

Had all the weirdness just been a dream?

 

Head spinning, and feeling largely disoriented and confused, she pushed back her chair and stood up, squawking rather intelligently when the leather of her comfy rolling chair tried to stick to the skin of her thighs. Her very naked thighs. 

 

Curling her bare toes against the chilly linoleum, Darcy realized she was completely nude. “Oh, for the love of Loki!” She cursed as she covered her breasts with her hands. “What is—” Her words cut off with a screech as Jane came striding into the lab. Darcy grabbed the first thing she could find, a large binder filled with scientific readings, and held it over her girly bits.

 

As she tried to quickly come up with either a) an escape plan or b) a reasonable explanation, Darcy realized that her boss was also extremely naked and all planning and reasoning came to a halt.

 

“Oh, hey, Darcy, are those the spectrograph printouts I was looking for?” Jane asked as she strode over and plucked the binder from Darcy’s death grip and flipped it open for examination. “Yes, here they are. Thanks!’’

 

As she spun, turning her perky little butt in Darcy’s direction, the intern couldn’t help but gasp in shock at the betrayal and confusion. That binder was the only thing in sight that was both large enough to cover most of her parts and light enough for her lift. “Jane!” She hissed, reaching out grabby hands towards her boss.

 

“Huh?” Jane asked absently as she turned back. “Oh, right. Sorry,” she apologized sheepishly as she walked back to Darcy. 

 

Darcy’s relief that logic and sanity would be returning to her world was short lived, however. Instead of returning the binder, Jane leaned in close and kissed Darcy deeply. Her lips were soft and slightly chapped, but Darcy was too shocked to appreciate her boss’ technique. She loved her boss, but she didn’t really  _ love _ her boss.

 

Jane pulled away with a smile and then turned to leave again.

 

“But what about Thor?” Darcy blurted, still stunned by the casual way her friend and employer had laid one on her.

 

Darcy thought she shipped Jane and Thor even more than Jane and Thor did sometimes. She’d be devastated if the two of them ever broke up. Especially if  _ she _ was the reason…

 

“Oh, he’s here somewhere. He was talking shop with Tony and Steve last I saw—oh, here he is. Hey, babe,” she greeted with a grin as Thor, also naked as a jay bird, stepped through the door. 

 

“I heard my name. Did you summon me?” He queried as he leaned down to give Jane his typical hello smooch. Jane kissed the giant blond back and then motioned to Darcy. 

 

“Darcy was looking for you, I think?” She supplied casually as she went back to looking through the binder in her hand. 

 

“Ah, fairest Darcy!” The looming Æsir declared as he swooped in and gave her a kiss, very much like the one he’d just bestowed on his beloved. “How may I serve you, my lady?”

 

“Uh, uh—” Darcy meeped, her brain imploding. Luckily, she was saved from having to come up with an answer as Tony and Steve interrupted the moment, with their bickering as they followed Thor into the lab. Neither of them was wearing a stitch.

 

“He’s only 17, Tony. Don't you think think that’s a little too young to be attending one of your parties? You know how out of control things can get? Oh, hey Jane.” Steve’s glare turned soft as he noticed the petite astrophysicist walking past.

 

“Hey, Steve,” Jane returned, popping up on her tiptoes to kiss him. “Tony,” she added, turning and giving just as good to the billionaire, playboy, genius, philanthropist. 

 

Tony’s hands cupped briefly along Jane’s side as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. “Hey, Foster. How’s the new spectrograph working out?” He inquired casually as he rubbed his thumbs along the bottom of her small breasts.

 

Darcy glanced between them and Thor, who just stood, looking on happily. This was just so...

 

“I’m going over the readings now. I think it might need some slight calibration, but I’ll let you know,” Dr. Foster replied, business as usual as she slipped from Stark’s grasp and walked over to sit at her desk and continue working.

 

“You do that,” Tony said, then turned back to his argument with Steve. “I’m well aware of Parker’s age, Rogers. That’s why I invited his aunt May to come as chaperone. If things start getting out of hand, she’ll be there to sweep young Peter away from the debauchery and depravity.”

 

“Is this the Aunt May you mentioned asking to dinner last week?” Steve asked suspiciously as they continued deeper into the lab, both of them pausing briefly to share a friendly (and smoking hot) lip lock with the mighty Thor.

 

“Oh, well, I still maintain she’s too young to be an aunt,” Tony hedged, but the mischievous tilt to his goatee told them all they needed to know. 

 

Darcy gasped as Tony pulled her into his arms and kissed the living day lights out of her, his tongue doing a little dance over her lips that had her gripping his shoulders to keep from melting at his feet.

 

Meanwhile, Steve chatted on, as if Tony wasn’t pressed up against her, doing things with his tongue that should be totally illegal. “So how’s she gonna be able to whisk her nephew away if she’s busy being debauched by your depravity?” 

 

“Hey!” Tony objected, pulling away and leaning Darcy back against her desk, as if he knew she would need the extra support. “I resemble that remark! Hey, Boobs McGee, tell Steve-o here that he’s being ridiculous and overly suspicious for absolutely no reason.” He squeezed her hip and stepped back to let Steve have his turn, apparently.

 

“Hey, Darce,” Steve smiled crookedly as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him till her breasts were squashed pleasantly against his firm but supple chest. 

 

“Hey, Steve,” she squeaked and then he was lowering his head and she could only cling to his biceps as his mouth melted down on hers.

 

This time, she had to admit, she was more than ready to kiss back. Steve was gorgeous and kind and so full of integrity that he was near bursting with it, and she’d be lying if she said he hadn’t featured in more than one of her me-time fantasies.

 

His lips were the softest, by far, and he had no facial hair like Tony or Thor to tease againer her face, but he kissed her like she was life-giving oxygen and cool spring water, and the sweetest, most decadent dessert all tied into one.

 

Instinctually, she might have let one of her legs drift up the outside of his thigh so she could rock her hips against him and get some friction against her soft and throbbing places.

 

“That’s not helping, Lewis,” Tony murmured to her right, but she couldn’t be bothered. “On second thought, that’s not a bad distraction…” 

 

Steve jerked back, leaving Darcy a gaping, breathless mess and turned to wrap his arm across the front of Tony’s bare stomach to stop him from fleeing. “This conversation isn’t over yet, Tony,” Steve growled, and enough of his torso was still pressed tight to hers that she felt the vibration of it along her skin.

 

With a whimper, Darcy let her forehead rest against the top of Steve’s shoulder. What the ever living fuck was going on!? Her head was spinning from lack of oxygen and confusion and she felt near to fainting, though she was having trouble complaining about her circumstances.

 

Her thoughts shattered as a voice called from the door that had the shivers running up her spine.

 

“Hey, have you guys seen Stark? He’s supposed to upgrade my arm today. Oh, there you are,” Bucky Barnes said triumphantly. Darcy peered around Steve to see a gloriously naked Sergeant Barnes lean around the door jam and call down the hall. “I found him, Sam, he’s in Foster’s lab.”

 

Steve turned slightly in her arms as the Winter Soldier and the Falcon, (and his two best friends), joined them. Watching in wide-eyed anticipation, Darcy beheld the two of them starting to make their rounds around the room. As was obviously the custom in this messed up, sexually charged version of reality, each of them swapped saliva with the occupants of the room in greeting.

 

Seeing Bucky dwarf Jane as he picked her up and curled down over her was every bit as enticing as seeing Thor do the same to him, their naked, manly bodies pressed knee to nipple in salutation. Sam’s greeting kiss to Tony was very chaste and polite, though he grinned and laughed when Thor rubbed his beard against Sam’s comparatively meager facial hair, and he was still smiling when he cupped Jane’s jaw and kissed her, soft and sweet.

 

She was so caught up watching them, that she almost missed the nearly violent oral collision that was Bucky and Tony. Darcy nearly burst out laughing when the words “battling for dominance” popped into her head, but she managed to stifle it against Steve’s shoulder as she enjoyed the sight of Tony gripping the sarge’s long hair in both fists, as he tried to pull Bucky down to his level, only to gasp and arch his back when the soldier retaliated with his teeth around the inventor’s bottom lip, his body arching to rub their hips together and his hands sliding under Tony’s ass to lift him onto the nearest desk.

 

“Cheater,” Stark grunted, as he planted both hands on Bucky’s chest and pushed him away. He lightly fingered his lip, searching for blood, though there was none. “You should be more polite to the man that is about to do things to your arm no other man can.” With wiggling eyebrows, Tony ran a foot up the side of Barnes' leg.

 

“Dirty old man,” Bucky responded, rolling his eyes, but there was a twist to his lips that took all the heat out of his words. “Hey, Steve, you gonna save some for the rest of us, or what?” He waved a hand to where Darcy was still curled around the good captain’s body like a limpet on steroids.

 

“Shit,” she hissed under her breath and lowered her leg back to the ground.

 

“Be nice, Barnes,” Sam snapped, stepping up to run a hand over Steve’s shoulder and offer his lips for a steamy kiss. When he was finished with Steve, the gorgeous airman turned to her and gave her a sardonic grin. “Don’t mind the Buckster. He only recently returned from his umpteenth stay on ice and I’m pretty sure he has freezer burn.”

 

As he kissed Darcy playfully, she felt his body jerk as Steve shoved his shoulder gently. “Sam!” He rebuked, shooting sideways glances to where Bucky was standing, hands on his hips.

 

Darcy barely had time to enjoy the sweet, peppermint slide of Sam’s tongue over her, and note that he must be a breath mint guy before she was distracted by the sight of Barnes pulling Steve, whose body was rigid with disapproval, into a tender embrace.

 

“You know I love it when you get all papa bear on my behalf, Stevie, but there’s really no need,” he chuckled as he tipped Cap’s clenched jaw down to peck a kiss to his firm lips. After a pause, Steve seemed to melt against his friend and Darcy swore she could hear her brains, and quite possibly her non-existent panties, melting.

 

“Sweet, merciful Odin,” she breathed as the two super soldiers made out right in front of her like a couple of horny, naked teenagers.

 

“Yep,” Sam and Tony both added with appreciative sighs.

 

Sam patted her back and gave her a “what can you do” kind of shrug. “You get used to it,” he added, as Darcy’s jaw dropped at the sound of a soft groan coming from Steve. Bucky’s metal hand was rubbing up and down Steve’s ass, pulling their bodies ever closer, which she hadn’t thought possible.

 

“Good to see you, punk,” Steve breathed as he pulled away, finally, after what seemed like many, multiple minutes.

 

Bucky smirked. “We had lunch together an hour ago.”

 

Bashfully, Steve ducked his head. “It’s still true,” he insisted, eyes sheepishly on his feet. At least, that’s where Darcy assumed they were.  They probably weren’t on the impressively proportioned semi that his “friend” was now sporting. Nope.

 

Just when she didn’t think she could take anymore, Barnes turned his smoulder on her.

 

“Hey there, doll face.”

 

“Hey, yourself,” she mumbled, eyes watching the way his lips curled up as he stepped into the now empty space in front of her. She knew what was coming, but the prospect of actually getting to put her lips, and possible other things on the sexy cyborg was too much for her insufficient imagination to handle. And she had a hell of an imagination.

 

He reached for her, the warmth of his right hand, and the cool pressure of his left sliding over her hips and yes, he was definitely more than half hard as he pressed against her stomach, curling down to bring all his six plus feet to bear on her.

 

Her eyes were locked on his lips, and it seemed nothing could pull her away from the sight of that cocky smirk closing in. Nothing, except perhaps a streak of green off to her left.

 

Her gaze jerked towards the quickly dashing little man as he sprinted between desks.

 

“Not  _ now _ ,” she whined quietly, glancing between the escaping leprechaun and the mouth that she really, really wanted to get better acquainted with.

 

“What’s that, sweetheart?” Bucky asked, pulling back sharply with a pout and a frown.

 

“Ugh, not you,” she insisted, pulling at his sides. When his frown deepened she groaned and shook her head. “I mean, yes you. All the yes to you. No to that obnoxious little bastard,” she explained, very badly, with a wave to wear the meddling twerp was disappearing out the door.

 

He was getting away. Again. And she really needed to catch him.

 

“Fuck,” Darcy growled and started to chase after the Irish menace. She turned back momentarily  to the stunned and scowling Sargent and pointed at him instantly. “Stay right there. Hold that thought. I just gotta—” she waved down the hall. “I’ll be right back for that kiss, Barnes. Don’t go anywhere.”

 

As soon as he nodded, looking slightly confounded, but decidedly less frowny, she resumed her pursuit.

  
  
  


****


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We come to the conclusion of our tale. We hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we did writing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooo sorry. I totally meant to get this posted this morning, but... things happened. Anywhoozle, here it is! The final chapter in this wacky funhouse ride.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~Nix

**Chapter Five**

* * *

* * *

 

Darcy finally had that motherfucker.  

There was good imported whisky on the rocks in a tumbler, about two loaves worth of buttered toast, and the March 1987 issue of Playboy left unattended on the coffee table in the common room.  Above the table, however, a Faraday cage hung where the light fixture once was, and all Darcy had to do was flick the light switch and it would drop, effectively catching the wily leprechaun that had so fucked up her day.

So, nail gun in hand, Darcy waited.

Fortunately, she didn’t have to wait long.  A shimmer of rainbow light streaked in from outside the room, stopping right at the edge of the coffee table.  After a few moments, the rainbow light started to solidify into a small man wearing all green.  With a happy squeak, he sat down on the coffee table, chugged the whisky, and started flipping through the magazine.

And Darcy sprung her trap.

The Faraday cage came crashing down, trapping the leprechaun in the one thing he couldn’t get out of.  Darcy rushed over and nailed the cage to the table.

The leprechaun pushed against the edges of the cage, and it sparked.  “What the fuck, sprite?” he yelled at her.

“Science and cold iron, bitch!” Darcy yelled, making a crude gesture for added emphasis.

The leprechaun flipped her off as he nonchalantly ate toast.  “The Queen will have me out in a wee bit,” he said triumphantly.

“Not if the King is up to his old tricks,” she said, grinning sharply.  The leprechaun narrowed his eyes at her, and Darcy gave a braying laugh.

The leprechaun’s eyes widened in understanding.  “Aw, fuck me,” he swore.

“Not even with a ten foot pole,” Darcy sang sweetly.

The leprechaun started to push against the cage in an attempt to escape.  Darcy plucked the champagne bottle of Asgardian mead out from where she’d hidden it under the coffee table and then climbed up and sat down on top of the cage.  

The leprechaun swore violently at her in Gaelic, but Darcy ignored him in favor of taking a drink.  

At this point in time, the residents of the Tower were finally released from whatever leprechaun magic they had been under, and they stumbled into the common room one by one.   

Tony was the next to last to stumble in, still suffering lingering effects of the magic, a pair of donkey ears were firmly in place on his head.  “What the hell,” he brayed, taking in everyone else’s normal forms.

“They suit you,” Sam smirked.

“Darcy, what in the world is going on?” Steve wondered.

Thor seemed to know what was going on and burst into laughter as the rest of the crew just looked confused.  “You are saying,” he wheezed, “that we are merely,” he snorted, “caught up between Titania and Oberon?” he asked, tears running down his face as he continued to laugh.

“Lud, what fools these mortals be,” Darcy said dryly.  “Hashtag team Oberon,” she added, winking at Thor.

“Wait, are we in some Shakespearean shit right now?” Bucky growled.

“Yup,” Darcy said, popping the ‘p.’ 

“So you’re saying…” Bucky trailed off, looking at Tony and then Darcy.  She nodded. 

“So that would make….” Bucky added, looking contemplative.

“How do you think she survived as his EA for so long?” Darcy asked.  “Mortal machinations are nothing compared to the Fairy Court’s politics,” she said, taking a swig from her champagne bottle.

Tony donkey-kicked the wall behind him and bellowed, “Somebody better explain what the hell is going on and why I still have these ears!”

“Fuck you, that’s not me fault!” the leprechaun yelled from underneath Darcy.

“March 17th.  The day that the Fairy Court’s prank war is allowed to happen in the mortal realms,” Darcy said as if that was common knowledge. “Titania’s… minions,” Darcy said distastefully, motioning to the leprechaun below her, “versus Oberon’s,” she pointed to herself with the champagne bottle. “Shit gets cray, and humans are too drunk to notice. Winner is declared at the stroke of midnight and gets bragging rights for the next year.”

“Miss Lewis,” Pepper Potts’ cool voice cut through the cacophony of voices in the common room.  “Why is Reginald in a cold iron cage? That’s really beyond the rules.”

“He’s the one who crossed into the mortal realms before the seventeenth!” Darcy cried out mutinously.

“Reginald?” Pepper asked, a hint of ice in her voice.  “Is this true?”

“Aye, me lady,” the leprechaun mumbled from beneath Darcy.

Pepper sighed, a quiet, disappointed sound.  She slowly looked around the room, taking in Steve’s ripped clothing, Tony’s donkey ears, the Lucky Charms and toast scattered over the floor, eyes finally landing on Darcy sitting on top of her leprechaun trap.  “Do be a good fellow and fix this mess, please,” she asked Darcy.

Darcy stood to her full height on the coffee table.  “Ahem,” she cleared her throat before striking a dramatic pose.  “If we shadows have offended, think but this—”

“Really?” Pepper interjected with a sliver of a smile.  “You’re going to do the whole monologue?”

“Fine,” Darcy replied, rolling her eyes.  “Mischief managed,” she said with an expansive wave of her hands.

A wave of rainbow colored glitter rocketed through the room, dropping each of the Avengers and company into a deep, alcohol-fueled sleep, leaving only Darcy and Pepper standing amidst the former chaos. Darcy released Reginald the leprechaun from the trap, and he quickly disappeared in an attempt to avoid the wrath of Titania.  

Darcy hopped down from the table and walked over to perch on the back of the couch, next to where Pepper was standing.  

“Donkey ears, really?” Pepper murmured as she fondly looked down on where Tony was curled up on the couch.

“Can’t beat the classics,” Darcy said, grinning unrepentantly.  She poured each of them a tumbler full of whisky and passed one to Pepper.  “Happy fucking St. Patrick’s day,” Darcy said, clinking the rim of her glass against Pepper’s.

* * *

“Darcy… how much of this did you drink?” Steve asked, plucking the fake champagne bottle from where Darcy was curled around it on the couch.

Darcy tried to keep the bottle in her grip, though, and ended up sprawled face down on the floor.  “All of it,” she muttered into the plush carpet.  “Thrice,” she added after a moment.

“And on a scale of one to Charlie Sheen, how drunk are you?” Sam asked from behind Steve.  

Darcy rolled over onto her back and sprawled out.  “Ummmmm…..Tony Stark post-Pepper but pre-Iron Man,” she said after a moment of contemplation, and then passed out.

Darcy blinked her eyes open and found that she couldn’t quite sit up all the way.  Her eyes darted around, looking desperately for anything out of the ordinary about her surroundings.  It was the common room, and everything  _ seemed _ to look right.  There were no donkey-eared Tony Starks, no miniature Steves, no multiple Steves, no naked people (sadly.  So sadly), no delightfully excessive makeouts being used as greetings, and no singing or dancing or orchestral scores playing in the background.  

Darcy crossed her eyes to see if there was a laugh track or studio audience.  Thankfully, all she felt was her head pounding like a drum.

What there was, were a few Avengers and Jane looking worried, and Helen Cho tending to her quietly as she lay on the couch. 

“Oh thank God, she’s awake,” Steve sighed in relief.

“What happened?” Darcy’s voice was raspy and hoarse.  

“You very nearly had to have your stomach pumped,” Helen explained calmly.  “I thought we agreed that super day drinking wasn’t supposed to happen unless there was a world ending event involved?”

“Whoops?” Darcy offered.  She blinked a few times, already feeling the hangover headache forming in her temples.  “I had the strangest dreams.  And you were there.  And you were there…”

“Please tell me Barnes was Toto in this dream,” Tony asked hopefully.

“You were a fucking donkey,” Darcy accused.  “Good kisser, though. I don’t even know where that came from, actually; I totally failed the Shakespeare course I took in high school.”

“You are not to drink the soldier’s spirits that I bring from home, Darcy, you know this,” Thor scolded.

“I didn’t mean to, someone switched the labels!” Darcy defended herself and then immediately winced as the angry elves in her brain pounded on their war drums.  

“Here’s the thing, we checked the surveillance and I’ll be damned if we can find out who did it,” Tony admitted.  “The bottle has been in the booze fridge, undisturbed since our last party.”

“Maybe it was a leprechaun?” Jane offered, looking around at Darcy’s impromptu decorating of the common room.  Rainbow colored light was still dancing around most of the room.  “You know, for mischief and stuff.”

Darcy shivered violently and glared at Jane with the intensity of a thousand really angry suns.  

“Ugh,” Darcy grumbled.  “New house rule.  No one is ever allowed to mention the evil minions of Ireland ever again.”

* * *

* * *

 


End file.
